I was five years old the first time I felt that my body was wrong. I spent the next 30 years trying to fix it.
It turned out I needed to change something else entirely.
The Lens I Saw Everything Through
That feeling, that there was something wrong with how I looked, became the lens I saw everything through.
Comments at school. The way I compared myself to every other girl in the room. The way I’d stand in front of the mirror and look for evidence that I was right. If I could just be smaller, I’d be enough.
Where Food Fits In
And food somehow became wrapped up in all of it.
When you believe your body is wrong, food becomes the place you go to feel better, and then when you’ve eaten it, you feel worse. Food is what you restrict, and when you can’t do that any more, you binge. Or you just binge for comfort, distraction or to feel nothing at all.
Comfort, then punishment. Relief, then shame. Over and over.
Binge eating isn’t about food. It starts so much earlier than that.
The ‘One Day’ Wardrobe
The clothes we won’t wear, the outfits we’re saving for when we’re smaller, the way we avoid mirrors or can’t stop judging ourselves looking at them – none of that is really about clothes.
It’s about how we feel about ourselves. About whether we believe we’re enough, as we are, right now.
Because if we truly felt that, we wouldn’t be trying to make ourselves smaller to earn it.
Why The Confidence Never Showed Up
I lost the weight. And the confidence I’d been promised, the one I’d been working toward for 30 years, never showed up.
That’s when I understood. It was never about the body. It never had been.
